....
(cont) social circle they are confined to as a result of the
marriage, they lack much needed emotional, and in many cases
financial support.
Living constantly
in a tense atmosphere can often lead to a variety of health
and psychological problems such as low self-esteem.
Although individual
stories may vary, the underlying cause of this problem is
often the same. One of the reasons why mother's in law seem
to have a problem with their daughters in law is jealousy.
Freud made a fortune telling people that sons hate their
fathers because they are in love with their mothers, but
when it comes to relationships between mothers and sons,
he wouldn't be as far off the mark as you would think.
No I am not saying
all mother in laws are hostile because they have incestual
tendencies but the relationship between a mother and son
is one hell of a strong bond.
On top of that, older women who have immigrated to this
country from the Indian sub-continent have very definate
views about the role of women and more importantly the role
of a daughter in law in the Asian family home, a view vastly
different to most second generation Asian women who have
been born and brought up here. In their eyes the natural
order of things is for the daughter to be at the bottom
of the hierarchy.
So not only is there the generation gap but the cultural
gap as well. Not an ideal combination.
For these women who
have left everything and everyone to come to this country,
their home and family is all they have, so naturally they
are going to feel very territorial and defensive over the
two.
After years of ruling
the roost, the idea of a stranger swanning in and taking
over to become the most important woman in their sons' lives
while they are tossed on the scrap heap is a hard pill to
swallow.
Not used to sharing
their sons with another woman, they are reduced to competing
against their daughter in laws for their sons attention.
It is not only jealousy, but also the fear that their sons
will be taken away from them which leads them to irrational
behaviour. Many mothers find it difficult to let go of their
little boys, and as they lose control of their sons, their
remedy is to try and control their sons' wives.
Rehana, 28 said: "The
only way I can describe it is like how a wife who has found
out her husband is having an affair would feel about the
other woman."
The life of a newly wed can be a lonely existence for girls
who are living with hostile in-laws and don't have a job
to escape to.
Often the constant
tension can overlap into relationships between couples themselves,
putting immense strain on the marriages and in some case
even leading to divorce.
The situation is far from easy for the man involved as they
are often put in the unenviable position of being caught
in a tug of war between the two most important women in
their lives.
It is an uncomfortable
situation when you are forced to choose between your mother
and the mother of your children. The irony is that mothers
by making their daughter in laws lives a misery become the
source of their own sons unhappiness.
Ayesha, 27 said: "When
I am annoyed with my in laws, I usually end up taking out
on my husband. I can't argue with them so he is the nearest
target. Also a lot of the bitterness I feel for the way
they have treated me builds up and I feel hostile towards
him and I end up having a go at him. It is not his fault
but sometimes I react to him like it is. I have told him
that if he didn't treat me so well I would have got a divorce
only because of his family. He didn't like it but it is
true and it has seriously crossed my mind."
Often girls are willing
to shut up and put up, not even telling their families what
they are going through. For some it is through fear of being
seen as failures, or even being rejected by their own families,
but for most it is to protect their families from being
hurt particularly as they are probably the ones who arranged
the marriage in the first place.
Tragically for every
story like that of the girl in India, there are hundreds
more just like Seema, and until cultural attitudes change,
there will continue to be hundreds more. It may be too late
for them, but in the future, it will be up to the mothers
of Seema's generation to change social attitudes once their
children grow up and exorcise the hate once and for all.
