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THE
FIVE QUESTIONS MOST FEARED BY MEN
1. What are
you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these
questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed
to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth).
Therefore, as
a public service , each question is analysed below,
along with possible responses.
Question
# 1: What are you thinking about?
The
proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry
if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting
on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent
woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response
obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,
which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the
best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy,
who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what
I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question
# 2: Do you love me?
The
proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel
a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate
responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
Question
# 3: Do I look fat?
The
correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect
answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly
thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking
about how I would spend the insurance money if you
died.
Question
# 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once
again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of
course not!"
Incorrect responses
include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking
about how I would spend the insurance money if you
died.
Question
# 5: What would you do if I died?
A
definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course,
is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat").
No matter how
you answer this, be prepared:
WOMAN: Would you get married
again?
> MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not, don't you like
being married?
> MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you
remarry?
> MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful
look on her face)
> MAN: ( makes audible groan )
WOMAN: Would you sleep with
her in our bed?
> MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace
them with pictures of her?
> MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to
do.
WOMAN: And would you let her
use my golf clubs?
> MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
> MAN: 'Oops' > (back
to the top)
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